Dear Rabbi, I am writing because I try so hard to please my husband, but
sometimes I feel that I just don't know what to do to make him happy.
We have three girls, and now I'm pregnant with our fourth child. Last
week I went to get an ultrasound and found out that I'm expecting another
girl. I knew he would be upset- but he got really mad at me- and started
to beat me again. I just want to do the right thing by him, and am sure
that this is a kapara [atonement] for my sins- and I accept that this
must be Hashem's will. But what should I do to make my husband happier?
Shalom,
Firstly, let me tell you how much I feel
your terrible pain, and how sad I was to read your letter. I will start
answering by telling you that you can change your life for the
better. I have no doubt that you can end this cycle of abuse and pain.
Even though you might think otherwise,
the abuse from your husband is not your fault. No one- and certainly
not a wife- deserves to be abused physically or verbally. There is no
justification by anything you do- even if you feel otherwise- to be
beaten by your husband. In nearly every case of marital abuse, the wife
will discover that no matter how she acts, what she does or doesn't
do, her husband will abuse her. The abuse you are receiving is not because
of what you do or don't do- but because of a serious problem your husband
has.
That you write that the abuse is atonement
for your sins troubles me greatly. Hashem does not give a husband the
right to abuse his wife as a punishment or atonement. The opposite is
true- one's husband is obligated to love and protect his wife, to provide
for her and tend to her. Our task is not to suffer under a wrong- but
rather Hashem wants you to help your husband by helping him overcome
his serious problem.
The best way you can help your husband
is by immediately getting professional help. There are organizations-
under the guidance of great rabbinic authorities- who can help you.
Please find underneath this letter a list of Jewish organizations to
advise women in your situation (similar organizations exist in every
city).
I cannot stress to you enough how important
it is for you to call these people. They are professionally trained
and experienced in order to help you stop being abused while at the
same time helping your husband overcome his anger and outbursts. It
is a great mitzvah for you to take this step to creating "Shalom
Bayit" (peace in the family)- and there is no greater way to make
your husband truly happy than by calling today to find our how to help
yourself and him.
blessings, Rabbi Da'vid Sperling
Resources for Battered
Women in the Jewish community
In Israel: Crisis Center for Religious
Women 02-6730002
In the United States/Canada visit this
extensive list of shelters and resources for battered Jewish women...http://members.aol.com/agunah/shelters.htm
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