My husband and I have been married almost 9 years and are blessed with three beautiful children. We are expecting our fourth, B''H, in November. I have been contemplating using a doula this time around to have a woman with me during labour and delivery.

When we had our first child, we did not strictly observe the niddah laws. But shortly after our son was born, we decided that we wanted to do better in that area of Jewish observance. So we began observing the laws fully, thus during the last 2 labours and delivery, my husband and I separated.

Because of the niddah laws, my husband is limited in what he is able to do to provide me with, and I do not get the support that I would like. We always dreamed of having four children, so this may be it for us! Nurses don't stay with you all the time, especially when you are having your third or fourth child (they see you as an expert by then, requiring little of them). My husband can't touch me, I have no family members or friends that I would feel comfortable having in the room, thus the doula idea.

What is the Jewish perspective on the use of a doula? I thought doulas were used quite commonly amongst Orthodox Jews. Am I wrong to want a woman present? Are the niddah laws during labour and delivery meant to enforce the suffering a woman is "meant" to experience because of the sins performed in the Garden of Eden? I feel confused and ambivalent about this whole thing! Thanks!

Shalom, Firstly, let me wish you all the blessings of the Torah for your impending birth- may it be in an auspicious hour, in good health, joy, and holiness.

Concerning your question of your husband helping you during the birth, especially with touching that is forbidden during the niddah period. I would like to first discuss when you are considered in the niddah state, and then afterwards, talk about what your husband can do to help you when you are niddah.

There are many opinions about when a woman becomes niddah during labor- some very strict, and others less so. Of course, you should follow the rulings of your own rabbi. But, in my opinion one many certainly rely on the many great rabbis who held that a woman is not considered niddah until either she sees blood that came from her (even a small amount), or that she is in the final stages of pushing the baby out during the birth. (Also, if part of the baby has emerged, even if it returns inside the mother, she is niddah- although this usually only occurs after the final stages of birth when she has to push already.) Even if her waters broke, she is not niddah, unless there is blood in the waters. But if you did not see the blood, you are not obligated to go looking for it- neither in the waters, or via an internal check. (I am very aware that many rabbis are strict in this question- but what I have written here has much rabbinic support, and is ruled by great poskim (rabbinic codifiers) of our generation (see Rabbi Ovadya's Yosef's Taharat Habayit, Volume 2. Taharat Habayit Hakatzar, Chapt 11, 16-19)

By following this opinion many couples will find that the period of time during the birth that the mother is in niddah for is much shorter, and sometimes the husband can touch the wife almost until the very time of the birth itself.

However, once you are in niddah, the question of your husband helping you with physical contact becomes relevant. The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah, 195, 16-17) discusses a husband touching his wife when she is in niddah, in order to care for her during an illness. The Rema (the Ashkenazi addendum to the Shulchan Aruch- "Code of Law") writes that a husband can tend to his very sick wife if there is no one else to attend to her. This opinion is ruled as halacha (law). However, where one can attain someone else to help his wife (such as a labor coach, etc.) this must be done, rather than rely on the husband.

Therefore, from when you become niddah- you should try to have a friend/labor coach/midwife/ relative etc. with you so that she can take over from your husband and help you with any massages or physical support you need. This should be arranged even if it entails a financial outlay. However, if this is not possible- or your female help didn't arrive yet, and no nurse is able to help you, your husband can help you as needed. It would be better for him to help you only by touching you through a garment, rather than having his hands touch you directly (e.g. he could massage you through a sweater.)

I have been told by some ladies that often they feel they need the physical strength of their husband in order to give a really strong massage- something that they feel their female helper cannot give. If this is the case, again one could be lenient and let the husband give this help via a garment. It should be noted though that he should certainly refrain from physical acts of intimacy (such as kissing or carressing).

Should it be the case that you honestly feel that you really need your husband's physical support- to hold his hand because you're scared etc.- and you emotionally feel that he cannot be "replaced" by someone else- there is room to be lenient and allow you to touch. The emotional state of the mother during childbirth is very important to us, and if the husband's touch will ease the mother's mind, then it is considered an integral part of helping with the birth, which overrides other considerations. But it should be stressed that this is not to be taken too lightly- and one should examine if there exists a real emotional need or not. Also, one should be aware that this only relates to help in childbirth, but should not be applied to other stressful or difficult times in one's life when a person feels during the niddah period that they "just need someone to hug."

Having said all this- your husband can (and should) provide you with as much non-physical support as he can during this time. His words of encouragement, his presence, and prayers will hopefully strengthen your spirit to help you have an easy birth. My teachers have taught me that a husband is obligated to remain in the birth room with you if this will ease your fears and help you. (He should try to refrain from looking at the usually convered places of your body during the birth.)

I hope this brief reply will help you both, and may you merit to have a healthy birth, with joy and holiness.

Rabbi Da'vid Sperling

 

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