During the first trimester of pregnancy, I suffer terribly from nausea and fatigue, but each morning that I experience these symptoms I am relieved to at least get some sort of sign that the results of the pregnancy test were accurate, and that the fetus is still growing inside me. Once I can feel the baby moving, I feel more at ease, but it is still a constant challenge for me not to know anything certain about the well-being of the baby I hold inside of me. I feel as though there is so little I can do to insure that everything will go well, and I hungrily seek out ways to be an active participant in my child's development: taking vitamins, doing blood tests, going to ultrasounds. But I have the general sense that my hands are tied, and that there is really nothing I can do but wait and wait and wait.
The women in this chapter were also frightened by the lack of control they felt during pregnancy and as mothers- until they realized that their reliance on an all-powerful God during pregnancy made them more powerful by association.
In early adulthood, the top priorities of the women in this chapter were academic and professional success, as well as development of their own personal strength and self-reliance. To all of them, the lack of control inherent to pregnancy and motherhood was accompanied by pain and shock, until they came to see that as mothers, they are G-d's partners in the creation and care of a child. Their new understanding of their partnership as well as their reliance on G-d made them feel stronger than ever.
From Intellectual MD to Spiritual Mother
Malka is a thirty-three year old mother presently expecting her fifth child, who was born in Israel into an Orthodox family. Malka was encouraged by her family and in school to be an intellectual and a career woman, and to have an approach to religion that she now considers cold and overly rational. She lived up to these expectations until she married a baal teshuva [newly observant Jew] who was a fellow student in her medical school class. Sephardic mystical traditions and Chassidism now form the backbone of her religious outlook, which her parents and former classmates consider “primitive.”
Her Religious Awakening
I had studied with my husband in medical school, and when he called me I didn't want to meet him, since he wasn't even religious. But my mother told me to try it out, and on our first date he told me how he had started going to this rabbi, and he described the happiness with which he said Adon Olam, and sang it with his guitar. This was wonderful in my eyes, to see that there is light in avodat Hashem [serving G-d], not only a routine, because even though I prayed every day, it did not really mean anything to me.
Davening [prayer] is all they do. They daven Shachrit [the morning prayer] for four hours. This is a nisayon [lit. “test”/ challenge] for me, since he is never home. He goes at 3:30 in the morning to pray, so he will be able to work as a teacher and then in the afternoon and evenings as a doctor. It is difficult because of the hours, and also because of my parents' attitude towards all this. They do not think of prayer as a priority, because religion has become so intellectual nowadays. Everyone asks how many pages of gemara you have learned, but praying is really what is important for a Jew.
My family says we became primitive, but I think they see the goodness of our way of life. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and the house is a mess and the children are fighting and I pray to Hashem to help me, and He does, it really helps. It's not intellectual, but it's practical. Also, my friends from high school are in shock, they used to admire me so much, I was so smart, and now they see me and say, “another child, and another child!” Nowadays it is very common to have more breaks between kids. I feel as though I am going against the world in a way, going against progress. They all have careers, and are intellectual. Chassidut [Chassidic philosophy] is something unheard of- something stupid. We can all be intellectuals. But that is not what this generation needs- what it needs is for us to focus on our connection with Hashem.
Changing Attitudes to Pregnancy
As my worldview changed, I discovered that pregnancy became more spiritual. During my first pregnancy, I was still very busy with myself, and only thought in terms of how pregnancy affected me. I was thinking about the physical changes, what it would be like to be a mother, how the birth would be. I was a career woman. I wanted to be a famous doctor. I was not brought up to value being a mother; I was brought up to be a woman who studies and learns, earns money- an intellectual woman. At first I thought this conflicted with being a mother and a woman's role in the home. My mother did everything when we were growing up. I would say “ Ima [mommy], but I want to do the dishes,” she would say, “That's not for you- you study!” When I was pregnant that first time I felt more powerful than ever. There I was, a doctor and pregnant, doing it all. A superwoman.
When my first son was born it came as a real shock. I had to give up so many things that were important to me and I was busy all the time with so many things that seemed so low. Changing diapers, for example, felt humiliating. I cried a lot. I thought this was something that didn't suit me; it disrupted everything that I had been doing. I would hold this screaming baby, and think how was it possible that I had spent five years in a medical library in order to do this. I felt so stupid as a mother.
Then I started understanding things differently, and happiness came- I think because I saw I had so much to invest in this little creature. Things became more spiritual, my career interested me less. Suddenly I understood I had a function in this world- a very important role. I saw I could educate him, and even more than that- pray for him, in order to help the coming generation. I dreamt that he would become a vessel for serving G-d . That is what I want now, not for me to get a big salary.
Each pregnancy I feel weaker physically, it takes a lot out of me, but the physical comes not to matter, since spiritually I am becoming bigger and stronger. I nurse each of them for a year and a half, and I see that it is physically taking a toll, but I like to feel that I am becoming weaker, since then I know that I really gave something of myself. In medicine I never felt as though I was helping anyone, since even though I really did help people from time to time, I was always doing everything for my own sake.
With each pregnancy I worry that I will not have as much koach [energy] with this one as with the previous ones. Each pregnancy takes a lot out of me physically: I get terrible varicose veins, and a hernia, and hemorrhoids with each pregnancy. I was raised to be perfect also in my body, so that was a sacrifice for me, to give up perfect hourglass proportions. This also has made me a woman; I am so much rounder. I cannot be a model anymore, Baruch Hashem [Thank G-d]!
By the second pregnancy I was more humble. I felt I was a kli. For the first time in my life I felt I did something good for another person, by carrying this person inside of me. I was giving something by helping Hashem to bring another human being into the world. Hashem chose me to do it -there's that pride I can't get rid of. It gave me the power of not being in control of everything. I was always taught that power came from giving to yourself, and suddenly I learned power could come from giving to someone else. I also give to my husband much more now because of how I have changed. At first, marriage was all about getting- getting love, companionship. Now I've learned to give in the marriage relationship from my children. They taught me this. Probably that was what Hashem wanted when he put a baby inside of me, for me to learn all this.
I feel I am much more involved in the pregnancy now. I feel as thought I am creating as well. I have a role in how high the neshama [soul] is, it depends on me, and on Hashem, of course. I feel that the ratzon [lit. “will”/enthusiasm] of the mother affects the ratzon of the children. I think that a mother can give very little to her children, except ratson , enthusiasm in serving Hashem . I do not want them just to imitate what we do, since if they do not learn to sincerely love avodat Hashem, then they will stop doing mitzvoth [commandments] as soon as there is any sort of difficulty or challenge.
It's a paradox, because I've become much more spiritual, and at the same time I've accepted that being a mother is a mostly physical role. It's spiritual for me now, because even though it's physical, changing kaki [bowel movement], excuse me, making sure they don't have lice- I see now that this is what real chesed is. We have so few opportunities to do real chesed nowadays. If we don't invite this guest for Shabbat someone else will, but if I don't make the bottle for this screaming baby, no one else is going to. It is sheer chesed . It gives me satisfaction. Maybe I put it into the category of chesed because I want to feel that I'm doing something exalted, instead of just washing a bottle at three o'clock in the morning. Even if this is just a way to make myself feel better, it makes me happy.
Spontaneous Prayer
Every morning, every evening, I pray for the baby inside of me and for my children, and it really helps them. At one point I decided to start praying loudly so they will hear what I'm asking for them. First of all, each time I thank Hashem for giving me these children, and then I get specific. Even if that child was a monster that day I say, “Thank you for Daniel, that he has a good heart, that he never wants to see anyone cry,” even if I have to work really hard to think of something to say. I do that for all the children, until I reach Levi, who is the baby, since all the other children are jealous of him, and anyway he is only two years old, and doesn't understand yet, so I speak just a little about him. And then the bad sides I put in as a please, “Please let him have more patience with his sisters,” and it makes miracles. I do it when they think that I think they are asleep in bed, and I hear them say, “Sshhh, let's listen and hear what ima is praying for.” While I'm doing this, I clean up the living room, and stay by their bedroom door so they can hear. It makes miracles. Memash [really].
When my children are good, it's not anymore about making me happy. They are getting older, and are smart enough now to see my weaknesses. If the most important figure in their lives were their mother they would be very disappointed since I have my faults: I yell, I say words I shouldn't say, I speak lashon hara [gossip]. But when they see I am attached to Something so big, they have respect for it. And I hear them talking to Hashem . My son is looking for his sock and he looks up and says, “Please Hashem, let me find the other sock.” Or they win a game and say, “I won because I prayed to Hashem. ” We involve Him in our lives.
To my big shame, I very rarely say the formal prayers- Shachrit, Mincha . I try, but it's very difficult. I speak with Hashem , I clean the floor, and He is right here. I don't know if Chazal would be satisfied with it… He lives with us, the children feel His presence. I pray a lot since I need a lot of help from Hashem because I really don't naturally have the capacity to be a mother and a wife and a housewife. I wasn't brought up like this at all. When I got married I didn't know how to cook an egg- nothing.
My mother wanted me to be smart. I thank her for this because it's only my intellectual capacities that allow me to see things spiritually now. It gave me the kelim to realize that things are deeper than how they appear. I am also thankful that my education has given me the ability to speak well. In Hebrew to speak ( ledaber ) and thing ( davar ) have the same root. That means that when you speak you are creating- you shouldn't waste words, especially as a mother. Hashem created the world with words. I have the ability to speak with my children, to explain things to them, to pray for them.
Some women ask me how I feel comfortable just speaking freely with Hashem when I look like a crazy woman. But I don't have these barriers because I was taught to speak, to be an actress in a way. I see some friends who only focus on the physical with their children. They don't talk with them really. It says in the hagadah of Pesach [Passover] “ v'at p'tach lo [you must initiate the subject] ,“ and this is the role of the mother, to use our “taysha kabim ” [nine portions] of speech for this, for education and prayer. This is our main kli . We survive through speaking to Hashem , and we educate our children through speaking to them. I adore words. Especially Hebrew words. I speak with each one of them before they go to sleep. I ask them about their day- it is the most precious thing I do all week. Speech is the way to bring out the shefa , the richness of a person. People are handicapped nowadays, they don't know how to speak and especially how to speak to G-d.
Influence of Prayer on Baby
In the pregnancy I pray a lot. I think this influences the baby. I pray that the baby will be healthy, that everything will be all right, that the baby will be a tsaddik [righteous man] or tsaddika [righteous woman], that he will love other people, and help other people, and have ahavat Yisrael [love of the Jewish people]. Whenever I am frustrated with these low occupations, as I call them, the cleaning and the changing, I turn to Him and it comforts me. My children see how happy this makes me, and then they do the same thing.
In the standards of the world I am very weak, I do not make much money- I am not successful like my girlfriends who have become well-known doctors. But I feel stronger than I have ever been, since I feel that Hashem is with me. This gives me strength.
Birth
The first birth I took very physically. Now I know that I am connected with Hashem at this moment- I know something so big is happening. The first time I felt pain, and I tried to control the pain, nothing more. Again, I felt the sensation of proving myself. I got an epidural. I wanted to be in control; I didn't want to feel it. Already by the second, and by the fourth much more.
This last time I gave birth with no drugs at all, and I felt such a spiritual sensation. I had not decided before the last birth to not use any painkillers, but then when I got to the birth I wanted to feel it naturally. I think over the years I have become less and less concerned with appearances. I care less about my position in the world. I have become less dispersed, and my home is more important for me: my children, my husband. I had always learned that to succeed in life you shouldn't be too sensitive, don't express your true feelings. It's not nice. It's primitive. That was how I felt during the first birth.
When I gave birth this last time like an animal in the field it made me feel so connected with this baby. My first birth it was as though I was looking on from the outside. That is what it is to be a doctor, looking and analyzing the situation, not to be involved. Now being involved is what I want. I'm not scared of it anymore, I want to be fully a part of it, feeling all of it, and it makes me closer to my child. I gave birth, I'm an ima . For me it is another step in acceptance. Now I accept that role, and part of it is going through birth naturally.
I think it was a miracle that I, Malka, have developed the power of acceptance. I was made of iron, so strong, I was never angry until I was a mother. I never yelled, almost never cried. I cry now, I laugh, I don't need to get good grades from anyone, baruch Hashem . I've accepted this new role. I became a real person.
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